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I really mean that and not sarcastically sometimes you can comment places and one never knows if you are being sarcastic, aggressive...so I thought I would clarify:)
So I appreciate your input
I have never written about male rape before except a bit about prison rape. My writing about prison rape had to do with not wanting my rapist to get raped in prison even though he did it to me.
I guess one reason that i have not written about male rape or male rape victims is because this was my blog about my experiences. After watching the video below I realized that by only focusing on myself and my experiences I may me doing a great disservice to the readers.
I have talked often about others taking a minute to put themselves in a rape survivors shoes to help support them. However, I have never done that myself when it comes to male rape victims. Regardless of gender rape is there and it can throw off ones life completely.
So when I came across this video and saw the male rape victim statistics I thought WOW, here I am, just writing about me (which is really what this blog was meant to be) and thinking how selfish of me to not even touch on male rape.
My rapist was a male, he did something bad to me, however I would never want him to get raped in prison or anywhere else. Beside the point really....this is a great video which briefly covers a male rape victim story and male rape in general.
I hope you all can get something out of it like I did!
When I spoke to the victim coordinator she told me there were people I could contact to see how the rapist as doing (not that I would be checking on his wellbeing mind you). She stated I could call the parole board, his counselor at the prison, and the department of corrections. These are all important things to know if you are in a similar situation. It is good to at least have some knowledge if you can contact these places in your state even if it is for your own peace of mind.
So, I did contact the counselor that’s working with him at the state prison. I did not expect much because I know from common sense as well as my past work experience, even when it comes to offenders due to confidentiality, they cannot say much.
She was able to tell me that he had not completed his treatment and therefore she believed he would not be eligible. She then directed me to the board of parole, so I did call there. They gave me the same answer that since he had not finished his treatment, more than likely he would not be eligible. With news I did feel ease, however “more than likely” was not exactly fully comforting.
Another thing I did learn from the board of parole is that convicts are given a written review by the board. If the board thinks that the written review deserves an interview with the convict they are then scheduled for an interview, so it is a two-step process. I do suppose many already know that but I was not up on the info.
So last week after the review I checked and the status was not updated on the site………then of course I checked on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday………..and then today there it was ……..DENIED!!!
I do not like to be happy about another’s misfortune no matter what the case, however I was relieved that I have a little more time to continue life and improve my entire self, before dealing with his release.
So things to note:
- See if you can talk to your offenders counselor
- See if you can talk to the victim coordinator of the department of corrections
- See if you can talk to the victim assistance coordinator of the board of parole
If nothing else it may ease your mind or prepare you for the future
Fear of being judged and insecurity have been on my mind since last night………..I will explained what happened….
I do not know many people in this town I live in and those I do I do not get together with them often…so last night a girl invited me to go out for a bit and I did. The reason I have a tendency not to go out with certain individuals here is because they push their religion on me……but I did due to the fact that I feel I do not have many options for social engagement.
Moving on, so last night I was out an was talking about wedding planning (I did forget to mention to you all that The Rock and I got engaged last year) . I was talking about having it in our church and she proceeded to say she would come to the reception but not the ceremony…….her basic reasoning for this is that she will not condone a church that has false teachings. What is really odd about that IS THAT WE ARE BOTH CHRISTIANS, BELIEVE IN THE BIBLE, AND JESUS!
The conversation went on about my bad behaviors, how I need to be more obedient or God won’t forgive me etc. While I do believe some of what she said my blood began to boil………how could someone who believes in Christ sit there and judge me and my religion……..IT MAKES NO SENSE!
So what does this have to do with rape? Simply put prior to the rape some peoples beliefs and judgments about me bugged me but I usually brushed them off quite well, I used to look at them as beliefs are beliefs and one should respect others. Prior to the rape, if I found someone who condemned me so much I would have just blew if off and decided not to see them again………..but last night I was PISSED!
My point to all of this is how my emotions, beliefs, guilt, etc. have changed since the rape. I allow people even more to judge me and allow it to bother me. I have guilt after being judged and feel they may be right. Bottom-line I feel like I do not trust myself anymore since the rape.
My entire foundation of who I used to be has been shaken since the rape and I still cannot fully figure out why. I continue to work on these things and the only real theory I have about my foundation being shaken since the rape is this:
I was condemned by the defense a bit, I lost everything and then felt as though I deserved it, and lost a ton of control during and after the rape.
With all these factors I believe I taught myself that I was a not so great person and that no one should trust my judgment……….even myself.
What are your thoughts?
Today first started with a call from a collection agency, I pay my bills on time, so naturally I thought it was a mistake. Not so much it turns out that Crime Victims was supposed to pay all medications relating to the rape; however they did not pay one of about 500.00. A bit upset considering I cannot afford a 500.00 bill right now, but I placed a call to my Crime Victims assistance person and of course due to the fourth of July weekend, they were not in. Not really the point of this post but thought I would mention it.
I also checked the state board of parole today and found that my rapist is up for parole this month. As some of you may recall he was charged with burglary and sexual assault in the 3rd degree. He took a plea bargain that eliminated burglary …………….WHICH ODDLY ENOUGH HELD A HIGHER SENTENCE THEN SEXUAL ASSAULT!!!!
I contacted my victim coordinator from the county that the assault occurred in to see what was happening and what I could do. My main intent was to see if I could get a no contact order or restraining order if he should get paroled. Turns out……….and take note of this….in some states at least the one I am in, the police put a one year protection order for you in the event of something like this. However, if you do not renew in 90 days you do not have the option to get one later, unless the rapist or offender does something.
I have a love/hate relationship with our legal system. I realize that many times it is very rare to even get a plea or conviction in a rape case; however, if the rapist is getting out I think it is common sense that the survivor should be able to get a no contact order. Of course I am not the legal system or anyone of importance to make that decision….so my opinion as a survivor does not count.
If I had enough balls I would try to change that law but at this point I do not.
In regards to my emotions, I was and am dealing with what happened much better than before. That being said I was not expecting to have an uprising of fear when I talked to my victim assistance coordinator.
She said that many times the legal system like to parole individuals a year before their discharge to see if they can behave and establish a life again. The fear that ran through me was just like it happened all over again.
I could not believe that a 35 year charge went to a 10 year charge that then went to a 4 year charge and now may be down to 3.
Yes I am fearful, but logically and rationally I know that for him to come after me would be rare and really not in his best interest. That being said I have never been in prison. I believe people could come out one or two ways. First, not ever wanting to go back and be good and second with vengeance. For my sake I hope it is not the latter.
I am typing this in a bit of an emotional state so forgive any misspellings or wrong verbiage. O h well it is my blog………..I will continue to write what I feel and right now I feel fear!
The 3 year anniversary of the rape was last month and I meant to write on that day, in fact I meant to write on many days but as you can see I have not. I want to first address the anniversary (yes I use that word now) and the “more” part.
The first anniversary of the rape was hard, the second seemed ok, but this one was the worst so far. Many say think of other things, forget about it etc. but it will always stick out in my mind. I believe this anniversary (still hate to use the word for such a cruddy event) was more difficult because in theory the rapist release date is next year, which just means it keeps creeping closer and closer. If you may recall which I doubt you do, he was sentenced to 10 years, got time served so it was knocked down to four.
Another reason I believe this rape anniversary was so difficult is because he is up for parole next month so we will see what happens.
Moving on to the more part, I really do not know where to start. There have been so many things that have prompted me to write, but I didn’t. So many things that crept into my mind that I thought others may have or are experiencing that I wanted to share, but did not. Many different things that are going on with me that I intend to share that may be coincidental, but for me and others in my life believe it is a side effect of rape.
I originally started this blog to get my angries out and share my hurt and experiences. Looking back at the posts at times I really did not make much sense, redirected my anger onto other things, and some were downright ridiculous. That being said it was what I was feeling at the time and that is all the matters. I wanted this blog simply to vent and help others.
I feel bad that I did not continue to document how things were going, but things are what they are, and now I still have issues that may be side effects of the rape or rape related. I will continue on, I know anyone who has been raped or victim to violent crime will never feel exactly how another feels, but I still need to vent and I have gotten some great emails (and really crass and rude ones) that have said I had helped others just letting them know there was someone else who felt that way.
I will be blogging again during this hopefully final year (not final month) before the person (yes I say person instead of organism now) gets out of jail. I will continue to blog on with things that are related to the rape as well.
The loneliness of rape is hard and I would have never guessed that one could have so many side effects even if they are not thinking of the rape consciously.
I don’t like to use the word victim to often, I see myself and others as survivors, however, it just seemed fitting here. In past posts I have focused on my family relations since the rape and how they have been less then supportive.
I intend in this post to focus once again on secondary victims of rape such as families with an open mind, but a word of caution for those secondary victims. That word of caution is don’t pretend it did not happen, or don’t forget it.
When I say I will write with an open mind, I am mostly referring to just my family as that is my only point of reference.
My family pretends nothing happened, they have even made rape jokes around me. These jokes were not directed at me, and when they realized what they were doing they stopped, but none the less, it was wrong.
The only way I can stay open minded about my family in regards to the rape, is that it is my hope that they just did not know and still don’t know how to deal with a rape survivor.
While it is true, one should not be sheltered and enabled for the rest of their life because they were raped, that does not mean that it should be forgotten and the survivors feeling should not be kept in mind.
For example, right now as I have written in past posts, I am having an extremely hard time with anxiety and panic. My therapists believe it is due to the rape, and it could be. While I should not be enabled my family should try to understand that perhaps life is not the same for me anymore and that I need to cope differently. It was my hope that they would realize this, but my family doesn’t work that way.
They are good people, they just don’t like to deal with the bad. I come from a well off family and perhaps it is a tarnish on their fun lifestyle that I was raped. I really don’t know what they are thinking nor do I think I will ever.
I just wish they would realize some things but I don’t think anything to do with the rape dawns on them, perhaps it is because it did not happen to them.
My one main wish is that my parents will realize that I won’t be coming to visit them where they live for a quite some time when the organism is released. If I am correct, it will move back to where the rape occurred, which is where my family lives.
I have gone on long enough but if you are a secondary survivor of a rape victim please remember, don’t forget they were raped, because they never will.
I recall the shock I had in the days and months following the rape. However, when speaking with my counselor the other day, she suggested that perhaps I was still in shock on and after the year anniversary.
As some might recall, I wrote a post entitled “Anxiety and Panic After Rape. In that post I discuss what a hard time I am having right now with anxiety and panic attacks.
I am having much harder time since the second anniversary of the rape with mental health issues then I was during the first year. For this reason my counselor made that suggestion that I may still be in shock.
I have thought about this suggestion at length, and I am not sure if my anxiety and panic has gotten worse because of the rape or not. Most of me leans towards the idea that it is not the rape that is causing the problems, but then I wonder what is?
I suppose it is possible that I was so busy with coping with the rape, the deposition, the legal matters, etc. that I did not have time to heal properly and now my mind is vomiting out everything that it did not have a chance to in the past.
I don’t know if I will actually ever know why I am having such a hard time now. What I do know is that it is extremely hard to get back on my feet and I was better off a year ago.
It has been a long time since I have posted anything here and much has happened during that time. I got sick, hospitalized, and have developed some mental issues since the second anniversary of the rape.
To start, in May of this year I was hospitalized for meningitis, as some might recall the anniversary of my rape was May 18th. After the hospitalization, I began to develop mental issues that I used to struggle with in my teens.
The main mental issues is anxiety and panic attacks. I have had both for years prior to the rape, but now they have become unmanageable. For awhile, I stayed in the house most of the time.
Due to these attacks, I lost hours at work, but did not get fired. I will be subbing in if they need me, and if I can handle it.
Since the meningitis occurred in early May and the second anniversary of the rape occurred in late May, my mind has not been the same. The doctor’s believe that due to the time of year and the meningitis combined that , that is why my anxiety has increased.
I personally think the rape anniversary has nothing to do with it. However, I am not an expert in how one handles PTSD after rape, so I suppose it is possible that the anniversary of the rape could have triggered something.
This anxiety and panic is nothing at all like I have experienced in the past. It is much more intense and unmanageable. I have troubles leaving the house, going into stores, etc. I have no idea what I am afraid of, I can’t seem to pinpoint anything.
I have tried to think of what associated with the rape, could cause me to have such attacks. I don’t feel afraid of people, I don’t believe anyone is out to get me. Yet still I have such issues with anxiety and panic.
I have stopped doing EMDR, which I am considering getting back into, and am now seeing a therapist that is going to assist me with learning cognitive behavioral therapy techniques, hopefully that will help.
I have also been working through different books that assist with calming ones self and focusing on the now, but nothing seems to work. I am struggling badly and I never would have thought that such symptoms from the rape would occur so long after the rape.
So in summary, I got sick, I lost hours at work, I am suffering from severe anxiety, and I don’t know how to fix it. Since this may be associated with the rape, I will continue to write posts.
I am writing for anyone who may be or has gone through the same things, perhaps I can help them or they can help me with ideas.
I have been having a very difficult time lately, due to the fact that I realize the way I used to be before the rape is nothing in comparison to what I am now. Before the rape there were so many differences in my personality, my actions, my self-esteem.
It is odd for me to think that such an event such as a rape, something I did not cause, could still effect me in such a way. I know I did nothing to cause the rape, and I know the rapist was a sick person. Despite knowing all this I feel so much different then before and most of the time not in a positive way.
Here is a short list of the different ways I look at myself now then the way I used to view myself:
- I was more confident
- I hardly ever compared myself to others
- I thought I was worthwhile, helping people
- I thought I was pretty, not arrogantly so , but I could hold my own
- I enjoyed going out and felt confident when I did
- I used to dance, I used to dance while out and in my home
- I didn’t care as much what people thought
- I don’t dance
- I think constantly about how I look
- I feel I contribute nothing to anyone
- I don’t enjoy people or going out as much
- I feel ugly
- I am not very happy
There is more, but I wanted a short list for a couple reasons. First, to not be such a downer. Secondly, and more importantly, to show others who may have been raped or sexually assaulted that they are not alone. If they experience these feelings, even if it is years after the event, they are not alone.
By the way I am going back to counseling next week, I think I need it:)